Yep..

2/1/10

2 miles running.
20 push-ups.
30 sit-ups.

Each day.

I'm doing it RIGHT!

More to come later.

There was a time when
we used to keep our wishes
in big glass containers
to save them for later.
We stored them on the shelf in your bedroom.
Your cat knocked mine over
and it splintered into twelve clean shards.
I cleaned it up and replaced it with an
empty
identical one

and I never told you.


We would relax on your back porch and
peer into your yard at
the fireflies, little flittering orbs of orangey-yellow,
and you’d say they were like small
specks of the sun, glowing in the deep black of night.

Sometimes you’d call me your firefly.



We shared our dreams with
each other, and yours would occasionally leave me with
my own nightmares.
You told me that once you had a dream that you cut me open
and my ribs were ivory and my lungs were made of crystal
and you’d chipped away at my bones and smashed my organs with your fist
just to claim my heart,
but in the end there had been nothing but a hollow mass of rotten black.

I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling like maybe
my ribs were too tight
and my lungs were too small.


We’d lie on the shaggy rug on your
bedroom floor,
exchanging nothing but whispers and secrets
and kissing not lips but collarbones and fingertips.
You would exhale into the shell of my ear,
your breath cold and vacant like the sound of the ocean
in a seashell,
except much weaker
and less eternal.


We decided that our favorite color
would be green, because green is the color of
bliss
and sin
and your cucumber-glazed eyes.
You drew vines on my ankle with emerald marker,
telling me that my skin was the prettiest canvas.

They’re still there, wrapped around my leg like
strangling choking killing restraints.


I’m laying on top of my mattress, clutching
your wish jar against my chest,
and wondering what had been in there before I’d unscrewed the top
and dumped it out my window.
A firefly lands on my pinky finger, and instead
of sunset-orange, it’s glowing a pallid jade.

Suddenly I don’t like green anymore.

1/27/10

I guess these things happen sometimes, and that's okay. Life goes on.

I may come out on bottom sometimes, but I have to make sacrifices to get on with my life.

I think it's easier for you to think I'm lying than to try and prove otherwise. If that gets you moving on with your own life, then I can handle the drama that's coming with this.

I'm so happy for you. You needed a real reason to move away from this stage in your life and find something new.

I don't hate you, and I'm kind of relieved that you hate me.

Have a nice life.

And I mean that.

I'm Happy The Way I Am.

1/26/10

The people in my life, the people who have left it, and the people who will enter it.

I have a message to you all.

I can't live my life without you.
I am who I am today because of you.
You will make my life easier the day I meet you.
Maybe I've already met you.
Maybe you already make my life easier.
You make me smile.
You make me cry.
You frustrate me.

And I love it all.




Current music : Panda Bear - Owl City

UGH.

1/19/10

This post has no structure, and I don't care.


This is such an emotional dilemma. When my cat meows at me, usually it means he's hungry. He used to eat all the time. Now he doesn't eat at all.

He's stick thin, and we're putting him to sleep in a mere 4 hours. He won't eat. His blood cell count is low. He had a thyroid problem.

He is on medicine for the thyroid. The vet wants to put him on an IV. What kind of cat would want to live on an IV?

I don't know if he is in pain or not. I WISH I knew what he was saying to me. I've gotten him to eat a bit in the last day. He asks for food, but when I pour it out and place it down next to him, he turns his nose at it.

What am I supposed to do? Time is running out, and with him occasionally eating, I can't help but wonder if he's trying to show me he can get better. But what if he's hurting I don't want him to keep suffering. How the HELL am I supposed to figure this out?

What a goddamn motherfucking struggle. I do not get it.

Just One More Cup Of Coffee

1/12/10

6:35 AM

I've decided to try sitting alone in a diner. I am the only female in the establishment, aside from the waitress. I am one of 3 people under 25 years of age, as well.
I order eggs, over-medium, and a side of sourdough toast. My coffee is black.

I am sat in a booth next to the window, aside the bar, and the booth behind me holds two elderly gentlemen enjoying a cup of coffee, the newspaper, and some well-mannered banter.
"Have you read the obituaries, yet?"
"I didn't think to, no."
"What was that? Yes or no, you old skeeze?"
"No, fix the hearing aid you old heffer."

I snort into my coffee. I hope to be that profound when I'm older.

As I sit and wait for my breakfast, I begin reading my book. I get 4 pages through when I become distracted by the large group of businessmen walking through the door.
They are extremely happy to be getting breakfast together, and laugh at the jokes they are happily telling each other. I smile.

6:50 AM

I pick at my food, but mostly focus on the coffee. The waitress kindly fills my cup once more, and walks away, leaving me to my book. As I enjoy my eggs, and read page after page, I look up occasionally to see people socializing at the bar, experiencing delightful conversation with their fellow early-morning acquaintances.

7:35 AM

Four cups of coffee, and nearly one hundred pages later, I am full and about ready to leave. I glance out the window to my right, and notice that it is light outside. The street is full of commuters traveling to work and school. I realize it may be difficult to turn out of the diner driveway to get home. In front of me, there is a crevice in the wall, and hanging from the ceiling is a wooden wind chime. I get the unbearable urge to move it and hear its music. That urge is subsided when the waitress brings me my bill. Thank God.

7:50 AM

I finally decide I am done, and pay for my food, leaving an 80% tip. How could I not? The waitress was attentive and polite, the food was delicious, and the company was both amusing and lovely.


Current music : Orphans - Jack's Mannequin

Loving you and your neighbor.

You Are The Thunder, And I Am The Lightening

1/12/10

You're so calm about everything, and I'm a ball of racket and hubbub.
You hardly talk to people, and I'm on every social networking site under the sun.
You love sports, and I'm extremely lazy.
Neither of us are interested in relationships because we can't be tied down.

Irony, once again. And I'm happy to say that I am okay with the fact that we will probably never be together, because we each crave our own adventures in life.


Some things on my mind :

• Jones soda only reminds me of Summer.
• I miss the comfort I found in you.
• The thought of leaving this town makes me smile.
• Selena Gomez's songs "As A Blonde" and "Naturally" describe my life.
• I have GOT to do dishes.
• And laundry.
• My cat is probably the most lovable creature on this earth.

Current music : Dance While The Sky Crashes Down - Jason Webley

Goodnight.