2/24/10

I’ve these thoughts in my mind,
these dreams-
that play out in a shade of blue.
For what it’s worth,
nothing came so naturally than being with you.

To Whom It May Concern.

2/22/10

I miss the sound of the rain.
I miss the way you would come up behind me and rub my shoulders.
I miss your beautiful brown eyes.

Walking barefoot everywhere.
Laughing about nothing at all.
Holding your hand.
Making paper cranes at 3 in the morning.

Jumping off the dock into the lake in the summer heat.
Making silly faces at you from the other room.

I miss that first hug.
I miss the uncertainty.

~~~

I enjoy visiting you often.
I enjoy helping you as much as possible.
I enjoy slowly but surely making positive decisions.

The beauty of snow.
Knowing that a good cry makes things feel less scary.
The winter sky.
Striped scarves and video cameras.

I enjoy alone time.
I enjoy making you smile.

~~~

I can't wait to move away.
I can't wait to start a new chapter of my ever-changing life.
I can't wait to ask difficult questions, and get helpful answers.

Grow up.
Find a new passion.
Learn about myself as a human being.
Travel somewhere new and scary. With you.

I can't wait to be free.
I can't wait to live.

xx

2/20/10

I feel like I only want to blog when I'm upset.

I think that's pretty sucky, to be perfectly honest. I feel like my body is going to implode. It's as if my insides are a large piece of notebook paper and someone is crumbling it into a ball. A really tight ball. With a ticking bomb inside.

That bomb is going to explode soon. And it's this unbelievable, painful sensation in the pit of my stomach that makes me fall to my knees with frustration.

I need to be away from my life. I need a taste of something new. ANYTHING. I've never been more excited to be away from home, away from everything I'm used to.

When I'm distraught, I honestly can't find good ways to explain my situation, my feelings.

Meh.

Crestfallen

2/14/10

Allow me to take a step back and
see how your eyes look under the light.
Will they look at me with a glimmer of humor, a hint of playfulness?
No.
This is not you. This is a silhouette of my past
playing tricks on my naive mind; my weak and timid heart.
Your lips part to reveal eloquently spoken sentences
that force me to amend every word I've thought.

The Autumn winds stole your face away from me,
carried your heart away like debris.
I often walk the streets searching, listening for your voice.
Fighting a losing battle with a shocking amount of bravery.

You're hidden behind everything I write.
Putting words to paper in an effort to keep you fresh in my shallow mind.

Where does one turn
when even God turns his ear away from their desperate cries?
Keeping one eye on the television as they pour their heart on the table.
In one ear and out the other,

tending to someone else in need while I crumble in the corner.

When a smile is just like a song
that plays like a taunting record in your mind.
Over and over.
Until you fall to your knees with regret, exasperation, and sorrow.

No, these eyes are monstrous in this light.
Unsightly and unbeautiful.
I must find you.
I crave your gentle and soothing words,
warm as the sun.
Warm like you.

Home, Sweet Home.

2/7/10

This weekend has been a whirlwind of amazing and tiring events.

I've never been more in pain, tired, stressed, annoyed. I've never worked harder, or for as long as I have been. I've never gotten so many bruises, cuts, and sore spots before. I've never wanted to break down and cry, scream, or punch the wall more in my life.

This has been the best weekend of my life.

Let me attempt an explanation.

*****

So like I've said before, I work at Jacob's Well. And it's looked and felt the same for the last 8 years of existence. Deep red walls, yellow in the kitchen. Holes in the wall, dirty. Lame.

It's been in the works for a while now to repaint the insides, revamp the furniture, and overall give the entire place a new look and a new feel. We began this process late Wednesday night and have not come up for air since then.

So far, we have hauled out 50+ pieces of furniture, including 5 couches and a diner booth, packaged up all the dishes and mugs, the silverware, and moved out the appliances from the kitchen. We've scrubbed the walls, primed them, and painted them dark purple and bright green. We've got the doors and trim painted black.

I've been on MULTIPLE runs to Lowes, Meijer, McDonald's, and everywhere in between for this project. Getting more paint, loading up on food and water, going to friends houses to borrow supplies. I'm the driver. That's a way that I really love people. I take them where they need to be. I help them run their errands because I love to be with them, and see them get where they need to be. I value this quality in myself very greatly.

I've spent this weekend with some of the most loving, supportive, funny, tremendous people I know. I haven't smiled while working this hard before. I haven't been COVERED head to toe in all colors of paint and been called 'adorable'. I haven't been able to dance around with a paint roller and use it as a microphone, stand on counters and look over room separators and spy on others. I'm having the time of my life doing this.

The greatest part about all of this is being able to spend all of my time in my home away from home. Literally, it's about 5 minutes from my house. I call Jacob's Well my home, I call these people my home.

This is all worth the pain, because we're creating a place of love and happiness.

Yep..

2/1/10

2 miles running.
20 push-ups.
30 sit-ups.

Each day.

I'm doing it RIGHT!

More to come later.