I think I actually need to go to a therapist.
I've lost you completely, and now I am cutting again. And it's worse.
I have no desire to go to class, and only go so as to not disappoint my grandma.
I don't care when my english teacher talks, I don't care when my fashion teacher talks about things I love.
I should be so happy to be in these classes but I space out every day.
I have no motivation to do anything in my life.
I don't feel happiness over anything real.
I cry literally every night.
I sit around and miss people who have done me wrong.
I sit around and miss people I've pushed away.
I think of ways to better myself, and instead I just cut my legs.
And somehow that makes it better.

And I just hold my head and stare into nothing all the time.
I miss having dreams and passion.

Seems like the only time I write a blog entry is when death rolls around.

Dying is one thing I fear above all other things.
Not my own death, but the death of literally anyone in my life. It doesn't matter if I knew them by association, a long time ago, or they're my best friends or closest family. This is a fear that keeps me up at night for hours at a time. I shake and hyperventilate at the very idea that someday, everyone I love will leave the earth.

The way I see it is death is just a cruel trick the universe plays on people. Just knowing that, all of a sudden, they aren't here anymore astounds me. Then they're buried under the ground and that's where they'll stay forever.

A girl I used to know in high school was recently in a fatal car crash. She lost control of her car on an unforgiving, icy, Michigan road and headed straight into another car. She left behind a fiance and a precious, innocent baby boy. Alex didn't deserve to die. Tristan will grow up without a mother and will never know how lovely she was. It's just crushing to know he's lost someone so vital to him when his life has only just begun.

When I found out about Alex, I also talked with my mom to hear that my Aunt Betty was in the hospital once again, on life support.

Not many people really understand who my Aunt Betty is to me. No single person has influenced me like she has. She's the woman who makes me calm down and realize that, most likely, the situation is bigger than me. If I cannot change it, I have to accept it. She is the woman who has taught me just what it means to be strong. She has never had kids. Well, that's not correct. She gave birth to a little boy. And since science was not where it is today, they could not keep him alive because his heart didn't function properly. He passed away three days after he entered this world.
I would collapse under the emotional pressure that comes with everything my aunt has been through.

She is among the absolute most important people in my life. I fear more than anything the day we have to let her go.